she's dying somewhere

i'm looking myself
the girl
who talk with you
1,5 year ago
not the girl
who talk to you
on these last 6 months
i'm losing her
i dunno where she is
maybe hiding
somewhere
or dying
i'm not sure
i'm not sure
how should i feel now
glad
or sad
happy
or bad
should i keep looking for her
or should i moving forward
without caring her
or should i kill myself
so she could be live
without fearing of anything

i think
she's afraid with me
right now
cause i'm too much hatred
of killing her
i'm too much hatred
i dunno who i should kill
i dont even know of who i am
she's missing somewhere..


i dunno where she is.. i dunno how to tell her to live her life without being afraid
sometimes i found myself
to asked her to show up herself
and compete me
to see who win the fight
to live
sometimes she's showing herself
that is time
when i'm talking to u
with love
but sometimes
she catch my eyes
and being afraid
and then she's hiding somewhere again
i dunno wht to do
wht to tell to her
i dont even know what i want
am i still care to win the fight
and let her live
or die
or am i should die somewhere
but i cant kill myself
i dunno why
i just cant
all i know is just being hatred
and full of ambition
of killing her
or killing someone
that makes me hate the world so much
*instead of killing you*

i just want to tell u
when i'm showing up
that means
I talk to u
with full of hatred
full of ambition
to kill u

but i cant
thats time when she catch my eyes
and i choose to kill her
but sometimes i got tired
its suck
looking for her everywhere
but i cant found her
and that time
she's using the chance
to show up
and talk to u
with love..
do u understand?

perhaps
when the time she cried each night
it is the time when i finally think i found her
and then I found myself
fulfilling myself with the ambition and hatred again
and she got so scared
but all she can do
is just crying..
and hiding..
and then after that
the one you can see in me,
is just I am
the hatred one
do u understand?

I dunno who's talking to you now
the hatred
or the lovable
i cant define
all i want is just talk to u
thats all i felt
for these last 6 months

i guess
like what i've told u before
i'm officially crazy
since the last 6 months
:)
thats the most honest answer
from both side

if only the hatred can find someone to be killed
or the lovable can find someone to protect her
i think i'm gonna be normal again
both must be fulfilled
not only one side

last time u see the lovable,
she was 150 % full of confident
of commiting promising to make a future
with you
last time she thought the hatred has gone forever..
last time she thought she believe
that all she could found to herself was only the lovable one
no more hatred.
but she had got so much damn wrong,
she was catching my eyes again
I was showing up again
after the little hibernation
and then the lovable felt so much scared
all she know is "RUN!! RUNAWAY!!!"
"HIDE YOUR SELF!!!!"
it is the time when she made decision
to delete you everything
of her life

it's the hatred
the lovable is dying somewhere

the thing i care now is how to deal both, not only the lovable :)
i think
i cant give u promise,
last time i make a promise to u
i found that it wasnt u who break the promise
it was me,
the hatred
thats why
i dont believe in myself anymore
i cant give u anything to make u sure
i dont even feel sure about myself
i need something to deal with both side,
not only one side :)

i told you now
not to begging such a care of you
or anything
go on with ur life

next time
i dunno who's goin' to show up again >.<
believe
believe me
i'm too tired with my ownself
all of both side
i'm sick of these
but i dunno how to deal with them
i just need u to understand
i'm not asking u anything
a promise, or marry me, or sorry, or patient
or anything

i DONT ASK u ALL THE THINGS I MENTIONED ABOVE
i just want u to UNDERSTAND me
thats all i want
:)

And today,
I was in the middle of intersection
of which I have to choose to
go to the right side
and then I'll find you
after all that we've been through
good and badness
happy and sad

or to the left side
that abandoning all of these
and live a new life

so well, i dunno about me either.
I think
choosing the right side
and the left side
needs a tough time

all i know is just letting it flow :)
no more promise/commit/anything
:)

And each day,
the hatred was tired of chasing everyone,
tired of making such a mess
and the lovable is dying somewhere
tired of try to fix everything,


And I'm tired with all of these
the bullshit and the drama I bring.